I’m angrier than a deaf person at a Metallica concert when I remember that, from 1987 to 2022, I spent my time as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, also known as the “LDS church” or the “Mormon” church. It wasn’t all bad. There were fun times. Now, every religion or group has its pop culture and the LDS church is no exception.
It being church, it wouldn’t be polite to call a girl ugly, would it? No, it wouldn’t. So you have to learn the code, which I learned when I was pretty much forced to go to a Young Single Adults (YSA) ward (congregation), which is where good people whose only crime is being unmarried are “counseled,” i.e. forced, to leave their family ward and eke out an existence in a YSA branch (a congregation too small to be a ward) to pair up and get married.
Having been recently divorced from a non-Mormon girl, I was not too thrilled about the concept of getting married a second time. In fact, I had no interest whatsoever in ever getting married again. But that mindset is not welcome at in the LDS faith.
No, in the church, you are expected to date with marriage in mind. Of course, not everyone has a chance to date. Maybe people just don’t like that person. Maybe the person has made it known that they seeketh not to be married. Or maybe, and it’s mostly the girls, the person is just downright ugly or personally repulsive to the point that no guy would want to date much less marry that girl.
So how do you call a girl ugly in the LDS church? Well, you call her a “sweet spirit,” that’s what you do. It’s a nice way of saying that she’s ugly but, with few exceptions, is still a good person. As you might imagine, at least one song has been written that discusses the plight of an ugly girl who wants to get married but no guy wants to tap that.
Have a listen for yourself. It’s hilarious and it’s cruel at the same time.
Some of my favorite lyrics include:
“She has some acne scars that populate her skin.”
“…sweet spirit, you’re so [pause, as if to find a polite word] nice.”
“You’re such a good person, sincere and true.”
“You just keep rehearsin’, and one day you might say ‘I do.'”
I could go on and on, but you can listen to it for yourself. Of course, people who know nothing of LDS culture probably won’t get much out of the song, but people who do will almost certainly find the song, which appears in the LDS comedy movie Singles Ward, hilarious.
One small error in the song is the part where she “might say ‘I do.'” In the LDS church, they don’t get married in the traditional manner, which is where both man and wife say, “I do.” No, Mormons typically get married in one of the church’s temples, which is, the church teaches, where they are bound not just for time, but for all of eternity as well. No one says “I do.”
No, they kneel down at an altar in a funny temple uniform, which includes “sacred” robes, green apron and baker’s hat. At that altar, they make a series of promises. In this hidden camera recording in an unnamed temple, you can get a very brief look at what a “sealing” ceremony is like.
Yes, I was “sealed” to my second wife back in 2018. According to the church, that meant that we’d be together in this mortal life as well as for all eternity. Once I came to my senses and realized that such a thing is not true, I left the church formally, which means that the sealing no longer exists.
I did everything that a good little Mormon is expected to do. I got a temple recommend and kept it active, I took out my endowments, and, again, got sealed. To the casual observer, I was a happy little Mormon. Nothing could have been further from the sad truth.
My wife of eighteen years, of course, left me because I formally left the LDS faith, a small price to pay for religious peace. That means the church, and, they say, God, no longer sees the sealing as valid and she is, as a result, free to marry and be sealed to a man who actually believes in the sealing theory.
But I digress.
Of course, the song is a bit mean-spirited, but it’s sadly true. In my own personal experience during my time in a singles ward, the skinny, blonde and tall girls found no problems getting dates and then getting married. Sadly, there was more than one fat, ugly and pimply-faced girl who found that no man would ever date them.
I was once asked to go on a double date, because the guy who asked me had a date with a girl whose only condition was that he find a date for her friend. That friend was definitely a sweet spirit.
Although she was nice enough, I suppose, she was surely fat, definitely ugly to the point of being repulsive. I took one look at her and flat out refused to go on a date with a sweet spirit. Now, I may not be supermodel material myself, but even I have standards, and she was so unfortunate-looking that she would probably have had trouble getting a blind person to go on a date with her.
LDS girls like this one have no problem getting dates and likely have several prospects for husband/eternal companion material. By way of contrast, it is my contention that this woman, Lindsey Stirling, is a sweet spirit. Talented? Not in the clip that I just linked you to, but, in time, she became talented. Mormon? At one time, but given the way that her manner of dress has become sluttier, maybe not.Wealthy? Yes. Attractive? Not by a long shot. She is now and forever a sweet spirit. She’s so ugly that she made Stevie Wonder flinch.
Many months ago, I found out through a friend that that tragic sweet spirit “aged out” of the YSA program when she turned thirty. Because she was, no surprise, still single, she found herself in the single adults program and that, as far as I know, is where she is today, because even to this day, no guy will touch her, and I can’t blame them.
Anyway, the song is there for your amusement, I can say with all certainty that the song is absolutely accurate. Mean, but funny as hell and accurate. Even though I’ve been out of the church for two years in favor of the Catholic Church, I still appreciate the humor in which the song was intended.
And I’m thankful that when I finally did get married for the second time, that I didn’t wind up with a sweet spirit. I wound up with a woman who was so Mormon that it made me vomit on more than one occasion. I’m better off without her anyway. But that’s another story for another day.