A lot of my frequent readers know that I have a seizure disorder. I also have DNR/MOLST paperwork that prevents EMT’s and hospitals from treating me. Recently, I had a device implanted that does quite well at reducing the number and severity of my seizures. It was doing well, but today, things went sideways at work.
It all went down during lunch. I usually get warning signs before a seizure takes place. In this case, I felt dizzy, nauseous and blurry vision. I knew something was going to go down and I went back, sat at my desk and got back to work. Within minutes, the signs got worse and I ran to the bathroom. I remember that seizure.
My VNS device activated and I went back again. Then, I felt another coming on, this time more severe. I remember sending my supervisor a Teams message and ran to the bathroom. After that, I remember absolutely nothing until I found my self in the ER at Albany’s Catholic hospital.
I was told that I had several seizures at work and then another in the ambulance. Again, I remember nothing. I know no one would lie about that, but five seizures in one day, so close to one another? That has never happened before. The doctor was very concerned as my a-fib kicked in. That and my VNS device resulted in sky-high heart readings.
A-fib is what put me in the same hospital for a week. There was apparently a concern regarding v-fib, which would have likely been fatal. That was quickly ruled out. At that point, I decided to play my Reverse Uno card. You see, my DNR and MOLST paperwork makes it clear that I am not to be revived if I stop breathing or my heart stops. My MOLT says that I am not to be treated at all in the hospital.
Once I came out of it to the point that I could advocate for myself, I enforced my MOLST. The doctor, with witnesses, made sure that I know the risks of doing that. She asked if I would at least take anti-seizure medication through IV and to do a blood draw. I consented to that, but to nothing else.
When everything came back, within the space of an hour, the doctor still wanted to admit me, at least overnight, but I again invoked my paperwork. I made sure to be polite, civil but sure of myself. True to her word, the doctor discharged me and I went home. Before I left, she again ensured that I knew the risks, up to and including death.
I again replied that I am aware of the risks of leaving against medical advice. I’m not ignorant, folks. I know that she was doing her job, which is why I made sure to be polite to everyone so that no one could claim that I was in some sort of mental crisis. If that had happened, my paperwork would have been deemed null and void.
By law, the hospital had no choice but to discharge me as I sustained no traumatic brain jury and I was not then nor am I now in a state of mental crisis.
When I left, I was still extremely dizzy and nauseous. As I write this, I do feel better, but it is possible that I may have a seizure in my sleep. If that happens, well, I likely will not be blogging anymore. Look, invoking my paperwork is not about suicide. After all, if I were suicidal, I’d be dead. Also, only cowards commit suicide and I am no coward. Not by a long shot.
Yes, I do realize that things could go sideways. I am staying home tomorrow, but I fully intend to return to work on Thursday. I vaguely remember people helping me in the bathroom. I ran there to basically hide, just like a cat does before it dies.
So why did I enforce my paperwork? I refuse to be tied to devices in a hospital bed. I’ve done it before and I will never again consent to doing such a thing ever again. I absolutely recognize that I could pay for that decision with my life, but I also know that my a-fib puts me at a high risk for a stroke.
The decision that I made today to end medical care could absolutely result in my death tonight given that my a-fib is back with a vengeance. I highly doubt that that will happen, but I did factor that into today’s decision-making process. I will never again spend time in a hospital, especially as a result of being admitted. I simply will not allow that. If I come to and realize that I am in the hospital, I will immediately invoke my documents.
I refuse to spend the rest of my life in diapers and that is one of the reasons that I obtained my DNR and MOLST. That would likely happen if I do have a stroke and I refuse to live that way. I want to leave this world with dignity, not dribbling into a glass while some poor nurse has to change my diapers. That is not how I will live my life.
I am not suicidal at all, and I am not in any sort of mental health crisis. What I am is that I’m aware of my rights. Recently, our scumbag governor actually did something right and signed into law the Medical Aid in Dying Act, which goes into effect later this year. It’s just as the name suggests. People who meet very stringent criteria will be prescribed medication that results in a dignified, painless death.
Now, I feel that I do meet the qualifications. I have my seizure disorder, which will never be cured. That disorder does carries with it the possibility of death, so that makes it terminal. In addition, I have a condition that will almost certainly cause a stroke that would result in an undignified life.
I also am bipolar and schizophrenic (well medicated). I feel that all of those things would result in me being approved. However, there is a problem.
I am a Catholic and the Church firmly defends the gift of life, and of course the Church’s stance is correct and honorable. As a result, I am forbidden to pursue that option and remain in a state of grace.
Earlier this year, I announced on this site that I would avail myself of that right. Unfortunately, I am now unable to advocate for it after being called on the carpet as a result of someone informing my parish office of my article on that subject.
My priest advised me that I cannot do it. Since the rest of the conversation took place in the confessional, I will not break the seal, so that is all I can say. What I can say is that I will abide by my priest’s counsel. I do not want to die in a state of mortal sin, even if I do qualify in medical intervention. God’s law supercedes man’s law after all.
I don’t remember much of what happened to me today, but it appears that I had one seizure after another, which is a huge concern to medical personnel. Despite that, I walked out, peacefully and politely, fully aware of the potential consequences. After today, it is painfully clear that I will never again operate a motor vehicle, but that’s just the way it goes I guess.
So yes, today was quite eventful indeed. I hope to never have such a day again. It’s enraging to realize that much of today has been forgotten. I pride myself on having an excellent memory, so it pisses me off that I cannot tell you what happened for most of today.
The choice to obtain and enforce one’s DNR and MOLST rights here in New York is a serious one and you cannot just walk into your doctor’s office and get the paperwork. There is a process and there is paperwork. They also document it well. It is serious business, but I felt so strongly about the matter that I took the time and had the patience to jump through the hoops.
Yes, it does concern me that I may have more seizures tonight and maybe tomorrow, which is why I am staying home from work, planning to return on Thursday. I stand by my decision to walk out of the hospital, even when the doctor wanted to admit me to monitor me for at least the night. Problem is, one night turns into two and so forth. I will not live life that way.
Never again.